Mini-Buggy Bothers

Bastard of Joy

Oh no, not another anti-mother post.

Stop. Move your hand away from that 'close tap' button. As this is a post with a difference, this post focuses on an even smaller menance in the buggy form ...

I am of course refering to the incrediblly irritating ... Toy push chair.

Now once again I'd like to direct the hate slightly away from myself and tell the story of my manager at work, who suggested this menance to me. It's not all me, Honest.

He was on lunch one day during a perticularrily hard days work, and decided to storll towards the local eatery to grab a bite and head back. enjoying the mostly mild weather. When suddenly his world was shattered by a sudden and repeated soaring pain in his heel. A little bastard of joy was ramming its bright pink (EMPTY) Toy pushchair into his heel - Not only was it a toy but the toy baby (similar to the one pictured) was missing! He was being assaulted by an empty pushchair.

With the mother - Oh bugger, back on mothers again - doing nothing, except stop and stare at him as if daring him to 'tri samthin' . of course he could not do anything - even though a lesser man (I.e Me) would have flipped either the child or chair over, but apparently the mother would have taken offense to this. Apparently assualting someone with a toy pushchair is socially acceptable.

Therefore it must be socially acceptable for me to murder someone with a bright pink pushchair, so long as it is empty - after all we wouldnt want to get that plastic baby dirty.

However we can be thankfully that no one has invented a double wide toy pushchair ... I mean that would be a crazy idea right?




OH GOD WHAT HAVE THEY DONE!!



Suggest @: https://twitter.com/Drake_Best

Anger *Exclamation mark* (Lots of Swears)

Now this may or may not come as a shock to some but I'm not an angry person - no seriously - stop choking upon your tea and/or mountain dew (both major social markets now met, I can continue). Although I do enjoy imagining the slow and painful destruction of half my enemies and the dubious rape of the other half, but again I'm not an angry person, I might be sadistic and boarder line psychotic, but that’s beside the point, as  is that corpse in the corner and psychotic is pronounced QWERKY.

Anyway anger is good, no really it is although watching my inch shy of six foot, 16stone, built like a brick shit house father, going bat shit at the latest football results is more on the line of being scary then what I would call fun, but its better he go bat shit at that then take a very large block of wood to the back of the heads of his co-workers. *deep breath* Although I still wouldn't put it past the fellow, much like myself he sees the people above him as cunts who would count themselves intelligent if they could spread butter on bread, and those below him as trying to chop his heels off and use his body for a ladder.

Anger is useful in that it helps express a number of emotional and/or chemical changes in the body, such as seeing that twat who cost you fifty on “a sure thing”, how do you respond? Well with anger of cause the body burns with an amazing desire to do them harm or rather speak your mind. Speaking your mind being the preferred choice as it can be slightly less messy, unless they are an incestuous adulterer then by all means fill your rage hose with such and soak away - In truth as far as emotions go anger is the most useful it can protect oneself against being hurt by others, in creating walls of rage where they are clearly wrong and a twat and you are God, meanwhile the anger inside has almost no downside. No one has ever committed suicide due to anger, after all they are more likely to yell at the top of their lungs that you are a twat then self harm. 

(On a side bar though finding an empty area of people and yelling at the top of your lungs is very therapeutic, although hard to find said empty areas of people. If you’re lucky they’ll come across you and think you a crazy person and hurry away, if you’re not they’ll assume its rape and come guns blazing – then things get really awkward)

If you ask me – I know you didn't but I’ve started so I’ll damn well finish – there is nothing wrong with being angry, when faced with an impossible opponent it is always best to get angry, although I don’t necessarily mean physically unless the person is excreting cunt from the ear holes then by all means go bat shit upon their arse, might I suggest the nearby pub stool, or stick with nails in it. Expressing anger in say a non physically yet virtual way is best in my mind - by this I mean picking up the most 18 blood filled game, preferably zombie filled and clear out entire country worth’s of populace, and you can be as entirely racist as you like towards white people as is it me or are a lot of zombies white? I get how it must be hard to put the appropriate amount of artwork into them that and with Usan Bolt as an example you’d be lucky to chew on a black guy in a zombie apocalypse, but I'm encroaching on being told I'm being racist – again.

This is in direct contrast to the media’s point of view that violent video games will teach young children how to murder their fellow man, but seeing how this horse shit will be my next subject matter I’ll leave it at that.

In the end though, these forms of expressing anger are far better than the latter after all bringing down the walls with shouting is better than plastering with blood.

Harry Houdini's Buggy

Now if you don't know who Harry Houdini is then go to Google now and look it up as the somewhat clever title will be lost on you. also not knowing who he is makes you a bit of a moron on the same par as those people who don't know who Genghis khan or Stalin is. You'd think, "haha, how can someone not know who Stalin is?" You'd think that but people are R-tards.

As the tags hint this is yet another mother/child bashing blog, but not to worry it will be one of the last as my 'friends list' has been suffering for it. which obviously is soul destroying for me - as a way to shift the direct hatred for some of the stuff I'm about to write it was a subject suggested by my manager a number of weeks ago.

Without further ado...

I work in a clothing retail store, so the shop floor has rails both free standing, against the walls and also a number of tables (with which to hold folded clothes) dotted about the place, this is also not to mention the pillars that are required for wiring and of cause making the place structurally sound - or to support the fat cats above (NB. please don't fire me, for the love of God don't fire me). So moving around the place is difficult at the best of time, this is not to mention when you throw customers into the mix with shopping bags and the stuff they are hopefully soon to buy and not just go through the motions with us. remaining polite whilst dodging customers who stop and start - will have long conversations in groups - is difficult at the best of time, then you apply buggies with kids and if you've been following and reading these blogs from the beginning you'll know buggies and myself don't mix, however I can see the use to them and/or the point to having and using buggies around the place... for the most part.

However, why should I move out of the way, or get up off of the floor - from where I was folding (still trying to keep my job) and/or staking a low shelf - for someone with an ASDA bag in the buggy starring at me! its not even as if the child is with the pram either, more often them not there is no child within a 10feet radius. This is far worse then there actually being a child there, I mind but I don't mind as much if moving out of the way will remove this smelly, crying child from my presence. There is barely enough room for a pram/buggy to go through shops without having their shopping spilling out and having their screaming kid in arm - who is only screaming as they are hot and tired from being booted out of their nice and comfy seat for a loaf of bread!

This rant idea was supplied by my Manager - somewhat proof that I'm not the only person who thinks this way. (NB: remember, don't fire me, you senior managers are lovely people)

Bonus section - This is further evidence about the bane that is Buggies/prams. I was at a bullfight

(Interestingly which was a misunderstanding, it is not actually a bull fight, it is meant to be called a bull dance, which is why the matadors jump, swoosh and move around the bull. though it is dancing with a definitive point at the end - see what I did there)

I was at a bullfight, where this fellow walked past us an something about him caught my eye, it wasn't just that he had two very young children following himself and his wife but also that he was carrying something. upon zooming in with my camera i discovered that it was a damn pram!! and that there was an even smaller kid holding the mothers hand. Why are you here?! firstly why have you brought your very young children to an event where *puts on Jigsaw voice* there will be blood. secondly why have you brought the pram in with you? there is no where to put it down, every step is in fact a seat and they are numbered, where do you think that thing will be going during the event when the place fills up. utter mourn.

Next blog is the Olympic Special, supplied by co-workers.

Updates & Mothers + Social Networks = Blarg!

Hello chaps, female-chaps and Thai lady chaps, no I'm not joking I have checked my hits and there's one from Thailand... Woo Crossed the Atlantic or whatever the name of that body of water might be.

Sooo welcome to the Update portion of this blog, not to worry I will be bashing mothers in no time.

I apologise for missing another week without this, but I've a few things in the mix and free time approaching. Woo!
And lastly (See that was, what 12seconds?) at the bottom of each blog either in brackets '()' or hyphens '-' will be the title of the Next blog, not just to bring you my lovely readers back but also to act as an incentive for me, as I've 5? ish lining up behind this one, but without further a do ....

Mothers... Just... Mothers. If you didn't get it from my first blog/rant Mothers, there children and I just don't mix well. Obviously! should I meet a spouse who is willing to receive my love child Im sure my opinion of everyone else will remain the same, but her and my spawn will be stitched into my heart and I will beat anyone who places scorn upon them... BUT! That is not the case and I will carry on regardless...

My Issue this week is to do with the increase in people that I know or rather are 'friends' with on social networking sites giving birth or getting pregnant. Right off the bat I don't want people throwing hate at me, its nothing personal, Ive more than one social networking site and there are at least fours mothers/mothers to be on each... However! Now I'd like someone to explain a trend to me.
 Taking photographs of your new born child, or the Sonogram photos and then posting them on these sites? Repeatedly! I'm all for saying congratulations to new mothers, The First Time! but not the 12th or 20th time, it gets really boring and there is only so many 'cute' posses you can put babies in when they're that old and keep still keep people interested. It gets to a point where the posts end up shouted in your face. "LOOK WHAT I MADE!, LOOK ITS WEARING A PRETTY HAT!! ITS SO CUTE11692*exclamation mark*".

I'll admit when or rather if I have a kid I'll maybe post a thing-y once, maybe with picture.. jokingly saying, "The condom broke and after 9months *insert name here* has arrived kicking and screaming... and i couldn't be happier" followed by maybe a photo of the wife with child - thats the main issue really it wouldn't be so bad were it the baby... and someone else, anyone... even a baby and a dog is better then the kid on its own - after that one photo, you want to see my kid, come round and say hi, introduce yourself to the kid. Don't comment saying how sweet it is, I may have just spawned the next Renaissance but not even Albert Einstein couldn't read an hour after birth.

I get it though, you love your kid, there is nothing wrong with that, but do we need to see them in a new pose every five minutes?

It may be because I am old fashioned but  I don't want poopie photos of me when I was a kid knocking around the internet giving anyone the opportunity to see these photo, it could harm me either socially or politically in later life. ask yourself this, you got drunk in your past clearly, it might have been the cause for why you were conceived (hey it was for me) would you really want those photos to be seen by your children? or Bosses. It will be the same for them looking at yourself from when you were a baby gets boring after awhile.

Oh and I have laugh as most people who post a large amount of photos of their kids have their privacy settings really low, come on your just make things easier for the paedophiles.

(- Next Time : Fast Moving Zombies IS CHEATING -)

Sticky, Tricky Customers

As I stated nearing the end of the previous blog (oh yeah plugging my own shit shamelessly) customers can be jolly annoying and frustrating, I'm sure many of you have worked in retail at some point in your lives and well you know certain people can - for lack of a better word - be a bunch of dicks. if it's not them not knowing what it is they want it is that they take every opportunity to either get in your way or ruin your day.

What I find particularly annoying is when pushing large (possibly heavy) objects around, yet no matter how hard or heavy they insist in remaining in the way. the thing is a large white trolley, piled high with clothing of numerous colours, how can you not see this? answer they can and they are arses. However ignorance is bliss to these people, they expect you to move out of their way, why? well because they are the customer and you are the employee who they can make hell for should they run to a manager because of their own idleness to notice the large trolley coming towards them.

These people are not the only one nor are they the only lucky people who receive my spite in this particular blog - there is a list of names and people piling up to Mitch and mourn about for your viewing pleasure - anyway back to the point, which is the next group of people who are either blind or stupid enough to get in my way and think I won't run over their darling little brats. That's right its couples with babies - again - this time though they refuse to move out of the way! speeding through crowds as if the pram is a battering ram? what is the point? what makes these types of people the worst ... subject breaker!!!

There are exceptions of course, couples who walk slowly through crowds trying not to run over peoples feet or cause harm, these people are fine its the other lot who... subjects returner!!!

...Barrel down a corridor two a breast and expect you to move, again why should I? your a parent congratulations! your seed works/you Va-J-J can bore a spawn *clap, clap* but don't think for a second you have right of way, be polite and sure you can pass but if you take liberties that's a separate issue. for example, during the Christmas fireworks in my home town I was on my way to a restaurant the place was packed with people watching the fireworks and moving through the crowds was tough and slow but pretty explosions kept me amused, then I saw a single mother slowly moving through the crowds tapping people and saying "excuse me please" and people were happy to move out of the way, even me someone who hates children i thought maybe I was wrong and not everyone with prams has a vendetta to get somewhere faster then... wait who's this? not two minutes after the first woman had passed another single mother with pram and three of her brood came racing between the crowd she was running over peoples feet and had a storm of anger hurled at her back which reasserted my opinion of these people... the fact the stupid trailer trash ran over my own foot was little biased.... I smacked the last child and called her a douse C***

...so I balanced it out, right?

Screaming chidren should be Gagged!

This is my first blog and I'm off to a swinging start clearly by starting it on a high note of bashing children... a sentence that could easily be misunderstood... an anti children post then would be a less suspect description, but I digress.

Not owning any children, or having any young siblings I am somewhat biased against little brats...I mean bundles of snot.... I mean kiddies. Regardless I do not see the point of carrying around a screaming child, I can't be the only one who hate this, nothing grates my sanity more then having to put up with a bellowing baby or young child whilst the parent does nothing.

We the poor non-parents of those snots must endure as we cannot do anything as it is not YOUR child and the parent will see this as an excuse for conflict and everything suddenly gets out of hand and cops are called and its very messy. Why bring them out if you know they are going to be trouble, parents of small children should ask themselves; would they like to be locked into a thing on wheels as strangers roll past , and you enter strange buildings that are hot, loud and crowded... No... then don't come into my bloody store then. I can't be too anti-parenting as there are some good parents in the world, the parents whose idea of getting their child to be quite was to shove a pair of socks down it's mouth properly aren't one of them (that is not an exaggeration, or faked). Working in a store however is one thing as they only there as long as the parents are and after awhile they disappear and it is true that not all children are little buggers when they come into the store, granted the majority are so fast asleep that a raging typhoon wouldn't wake them, but still at least they are being quiet.

Therefore the option is simple, either one parent stays at home and looks after the child, a baby sitter (either hired, neighbour, or older sibling) looks after them OR you feed them a lot of sugar before you leave the house so that they have a heavy sugar crash by the time they reach the shops.
OR I could invest in better Earplugs.