I'M HERE AND QUEER - But don't YOU bring it up

Off the bat, before anyone reading this takes up umbrage with me - I am not prejudice about homosexual people, I've not pre-judged them as I've mostly thought about what I am about to write - mostly.

I do not have an issue with homosexual people, however this is limited to the same respect that I don't have an issue with politics or religion (within reason the occasional genocide aside most are quiet nice). as i said this is limited though to something that can be boiled down to the following: "you can believe whatever you want, so long as you don't try and shove it down my throat", homosexuality much like religion - if you see religion as mostly catholic priests - the phrase 'shove down my throat' may cause a chuckle, but I call attention to it here to take away the humour from it. Gobble cock . Giggity

I have zero issue with homosexual people what's so ever. I keep repeating this so I don't get stabbed to death  but also, using the word ' H O M O S E X U A L ' after referring to a lesbian as gay, they got rather shirt-y with me. stopping me every time I refereed to them as gay and corrected me hand out as "I'm a lesbian actually" or just mouthing 'lesbian' to the person I was speaking to. I GET IT. You have chosen upon a preferred  sexual orientation, congrats, not to be big headed or anything but I was asserted with my sexuality for awhile now, but you don't see me having a parade about how straight I am.

It perplexed me and upon asking them later why they decided to correct me each time I got: "It is because I am a Lesbian and not gay". What? Apparently due to the increasing use of the word gay some homosexual people dislike being refereed to as gay. e.g. God that lesson was gay, gay of cause replacing: God that lesson was a fucking pain in the arse I wish I could brain the teacher. Therefore gay/lesbian people are refereed to in my mind as - Homosexual, as despite it being an extra few pain in the arse syllables to pronounce at least makes people happy. Seeing as I dislike censoring myself for other people, I like to think that I'm using it to be more accurate, Homo meaning 'same as' and Hetero meaning 'other than' and sexual meaning... Well I'm not a nuclear physicist but I'm pretty sure that means something to do with boning.

Tying these neat little strands together and making this rant worthy it pisses me off to equal degree of parents having pictures of their kids in your face, I hate people who define themselves as parents now and expect you to be amazed at the fact they managed to procreate the same way I hate homosexual people who define themselves by their sexuality. Granted parents have a better reason to say "I'm Mrs Blank and my son X Y Z'ed, I R a parent" but its still a pain in the arse, as if they expect you to hold them to a higher degree because they are parents and by extension trust worthy? You can have a offspring, hell 50 but that doesn't mean I'm going to trust you with anything having a kid doesn't make you instantly a saint, social services does exist for a reason. This is comparable to homosexual people who define themselves as gay, but disallow you from calling them gay (see what I did there with the title).

A great deal of homosexual people are obviously gay to the degree of being able to spot this down the street with ridicules stereotypical body language and speech patterns -I remember a news article about a burglar who was recognised due to his 'camp' method of walking! Therefore their is no need to define yourself as gay in conversation... Okay granted there are some that do not stick to stereotypes (in this term I mean the obviously gay stereotype not smoking hot gay stereotype) But they get even more angry then the less attractive stereotypes  I'm sorry your an attractive person who just so happens to be gay, I think if a strange started flirting with me I'd find it a compliment, not fly off the handle bars axe in hand. I don't introduce myself as a white, middle class, straight man I'd like to think you can surmise this from me and my posh boy accent, life isn't a book needing each character dictated to the person in front of you.

But I digress... I could go further in saying that some homosexual people think they will be better parents then parents in a heterosexual relationship, but that is prejudice of its own accord. What makes you think you will be better parents or can give more love then a person in a heterosexual relationship. Don't bring statistics into this either ass hole (Donkey anus) much like the saying women are worse drivers then men, women are only worse drivers as there are more of them on the road, meaning likelihood of accidents increase, the number of homosexual parents to heterosexual parents is so low it is no wonder they are better parents as there is less of them to pad/mess up the percentage. This is a good thing, if the statistic ever switched in terms of numbers at least - meaning the number of heterosexual parentage is dwarfed by homosexual parentage - the world may not last for long, or you better damn well hope scientific technology leaps some more.

In closing I believe the homosexual community should Leave off the gay rights thing. You have enough now, up there with women's right and race rights its becoming increasingly tedious to be Mr Whittier-then-white-guy, for some of you there was a number of century's involving some slight but do you have to keep forcing it down peoples throats, not even religion is that bad, they have the preferred way of thinking to outsiders which is: you can either believe our way or fuck off and we'll see you roast in (insert version of hell here)!


Long story short this is another example of hypocrisy gay people demand rights whilst damning those that don't want to help them or just don't care-  as degenerates or homophobic, I'm not homophobic, I just couldn't give a damn who you bugger, so long as its not me.

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Anger *Exclamation mark* (Lots of Swears)

Now this may or may not come as a shock to some but I'm not an angry person - no seriously - stop choking upon your tea and/or mountain dew (both major social markets now met, I can continue). Although I do enjoy imagining the slow and painful destruction of half my enemies and the dubious rape of the other half, but again I'm not an angry person, I might be sadistic and boarder line psychotic, but that’s beside the point, as  is that corpse in the corner and psychotic is pronounced QWERKY.

Anyway anger is good, no really it is although watching my inch shy of six foot, 16stone, built like a brick shit house father, going bat shit at the latest football results is more on the line of being scary then what I would call fun, but its better he go bat shit at that then take a very large block of wood to the back of the heads of his co-workers. *deep breath* Although I still wouldn't put it past the fellow, much like myself he sees the people above him as cunts who would count themselves intelligent if they could spread butter on bread, and those below him as trying to chop his heels off and use his body for a ladder.

Anger is useful in that it helps express a number of emotional and/or chemical changes in the body, such as seeing that twat who cost you fifty on “a sure thing”, how do you respond? Well with anger of cause the body burns with an amazing desire to do them harm or rather speak your mind. Speaking your mind being the preferred choice as it can be slightly less messy, unless they are an incestuous adulterer then by all means fill your rage hose with such and soak away - In truth as far as emotions go anger is the most useful it can protect oneself against being hurt by others, in creating walls of rage where they are clearly wrong and a twat and you are God, meanwhile the anger inside has almost no downside. No one has ever committed suicide due to anger, after all they are more likely to yell at the top of their lungs that you are a twat then self harm. 

(On a side bar though finding an empty area of people and yelling at the top of your lungs is very therapeutic, although hard to find said empty areas of people. If you’re lucky they’ll come across you and think you a crazy person and hurry away, if you’re not they’ll assume its rape and come guns blazing – then things get really awkward)

If you ask me – I know you didn't but I’ve started so I’ll damn well finish – there is nothing wrong with being angry, when faced with an impossible opponent it is always best to get angry, although I don’t necessarily mean physically unless the person is excreting cunt from the ear holes then by all means go bat shit upon their arse, might I suggest the nearby pub stool, or stick with nails in it. Expressing anger in say a non physically yet virtual way is best in my mind - by this I mean picking up the most 18 blood filled game, preferably zombie filled and clear out entire country worth’s of populace, and you can be as entirely racist as you like towards white people as is it me or are a lot of zombies white? I get how it must be hard to put the appropriate amount of artwork into them that and with Usan Bolt as an example you’d be lucky to chew on a black guy in a zombie apocalypse, but I'm encroaching on being told I'm being racist – again.

This is in direct contrast to the media’s point of view that violent video games will teach young children how to murder their fellow man, but seeing how this horse shit will be my next subject matter I’ll leave it at that.

In the end though, these forms of expressing anger are far better than the latter after all bringing down the walls with shouting is better than plastering with blood.

You're Growing up son

With the ever impeding quarter life crisis approaching, I am beginning to look back on my life, and can safely say: That much like watching a "lets play" on any game, I would be screaming at the screen If the entirety of my life flashed before my eyes. Okay its a fair bet that it would be a short flash, but undoubtedly it would be boring - the thing is though - during these flash backs in films and books etc...They only highlight the seemingly important things that happened to them in their lives, surely the saying "I saw my whole life flash before my eyes" would be all 365 and a bit days multiplied over a however many number of years being shown to them. Much like the damned being read every sin they committed for all eternity (see Through a scanner darkly for that reference), you'd either be bored without end with the feeling of listening to the same tireless joke over and over again.

I know that this would be my case, specifically as in my own said flash back there would be this section - me writing out a blog that may or may not be uploaded and tagged around the internet, wondering if the future and hopefully, very, very old me will find this somewhat entertaining, if not, sorry future me but I cant believe you let *enter name here* kill you with *enter object here* in *some location*.
The other out come is that I would be content with the things that I have done in my life, though feeling slightly Jipped that my reward for such contentment is sitting through a crappy film. However I guess killing all those hookers adds up eventually.

The point of all this is watching the world develop around me in a flash is better then experiencing it, such as watching mobile phones move from wallet thickness, down to mere a sheet of glass with no buttons that every fellow and their dog owns, technology has leaped and increased in leaps and bounds all over the place, I used to have to punch out of work by manually writing in my hours and hide in the stock room, now I've a hand scanner that rates me on how far off it is from the original -for me my Lowest score = 99, and highest score = 24 ... evidently I have changed over the years much like the world around me.

The thing is though I don't particularly wish to grow up, Id much rather be that short haired, glasses wearing kid, riding the coat tails of the pokemon crazy - before they became banned due to 'Bullying' nonsense. In hindsight, I should have stuck to those glasses, lost the hair cut and kept the cards (this is where I'd be yelling at the computer screen of my life) lose the bloody hair! No you fool not a Bellsprout collection are you mad!? Timmy don't go down that dark alley ... wait, wrong script. I would say that I'm not proud of some of my choices in life, but only through hindsight can I see that these weren't good ideas, In truth they may not have been the best but have undoubtedly shaped me into the person before you. A 6 foot, blue eyed, brown haired, lanky self centered ass who one day dreams of world domination, But I know world domination wont happen at the tip of a spear, nor pen (especially with my hand writing).

So it falls upon working hard, earning a decent living and lording dominion over my own little world, I suppose that is one of the perks to being Ignorant and means that although for some the world is never enough I'm quiet content with a Cornetto sized flake.

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Just Don't Ask Me

If you ask a stupid question, then a stupid answer is what you'll get and coming from a town where the knuckles can be heard scrapping on the floor from the next town over. Many-a stupud question is asked of me, especially at work. Woo Back to form! - Well if you can call whining about work and customers form but still, what you see is what you get.

Another piece suggested by fellow co-workers amoungst an unstoppable tide of idioms (not all of which coming from me). So before I begin I had better get shooting myself in the foot out the way now before some smart arse decides to mention it the next time we're at the pub in front of something scrummy. Yes I'm talking to you Ben.

Like most things context is everything but what happened boils down to this: Good Friday is one of those delightful days known as a bank holiday and brilliant in that it is technically a day off - unless you work in retail, or a pub, or a supermark... is it really a bank holiday? banks are closed by 5 on Fridays anyway... Oh well... With pubs still being open, a pub dinner was suggested and being someone who enjoys beer, chicken and good company I said yes. However as this question was asked about 2 weeks before and lacking (common sense and) a calendar, I had to as the question "What day is Friday?"... Now you my think this a stupid question and out of context it is - though even in context its still pretty low brow. I'd like to justify myself here by saying that, I meant WHEN is good Friday?... in terms of, how far away from this specific date, but sigh, that day has gone and past and there are far better silly questions that get asked in an average day.

There's a difference between asking a silly question that makes you look like a tit Example A: above, and then there's those irritating questions that get repeated and asked near-every-single-day. These also have the same answer to them, which are just as irritating and feel like your dragging your brain behind you in a soggy sack through a cactus factory. (No i don't know where i was going with all these similies either).
Lets see if you can guess the questions they ask from my normal answers:


Check the price tag.
The price tags on the other side.
Where ever you found it.
Is the original price crossed out? then what do you think?
Not unless you lose about 10 stone.
Twat size.
Sure just let me put on my Indiana Johns outfit.
No, I just felt like wearing an all black, monogrammed shirt whilst folding shirts in an arbitary fashion.

And now for the Questions....

How much is this?

Where's the price of this?

Where are these?

Is everything on here reduced?

Does this fit me?

What size do you think I am?

Go check the back room for this?

Do you work here?

I'll just let you compare both Q&A and have a quick chuckle. As there is no doubt that you get customers who have, will and won't stop asking you these questions. However all kudos go to the question that gets asked at least four times a shift by every single member and is the one I gave the best witty remark to. Do you work here? This gets annoying fast on a long day as you both have to do that awkward little laugh as you'd both look pretty damn stupid if you didn't work there. It's a fair question to ask in places where there is no direct uniform, for example in times past my uniform at work used to be black shirt, tie and black trousers, so your kind of unsure if they work there. Especially if you approach someone from behind (giggity)  and they are wearing all black, it could be they're stopping off after a funeral - which may sound unlikely but they do not enjoy being asked where the tills are after a death in the family.

Now though we have monogrammed shirts, much like other stores, as well as lanyards  which say our names in big size 14 letters, yet people STILL ask if you work there. There is always the temptation in my head to give the very similar response to being asked "Are you awake?" at 1am - No, Now fuck off and bother someone else. 

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Random Add z z z z z zzz

Requested by Declan. Sort of - I'll get to the ducks and army of thumbs shortly ...

With my friends list hovering somewhat steadily at 172 (damn thing wont move), I should choose my words carefully and be aware of what I say as to not insult too many of you, especially as a many number of those 172 are; from my local area, know where I work and are within thumbing distance. However something that  I agree with this Declan fellow is about new RANDOM people that add you. Now I know aesthetically speaking, I'm the bees knees - come on look at that sexy self portrait - but I still don't fully understand random adders.

Sexy self

These are the people I know I have never met before, just adding and then saying nothing. In fact the only thing for the most part they do say is "herp, thanks for the addz", thanks for making the effort of cut and pasting the same arbitrary thank you, that you send to everyone else in your upwards of 2'000 friends list. Who the heck knows and actively speaks to that many people, I understand that going through life and thanks to these bloody things  you pick up people every know and then, for example on the street or at a party - odds on your doubtful to continue speaking to this person after the add - But get rid of them, surely your feeds are filled with a noise of people, the amount of stupid must be deafening (I know this will undoubtedly add to the noise of retard) when links get thrown and pounded down your throats, not to even mention the Bi-polar disorder that all statuses become. Have you ever pinged down your feed on valentines day? It's a sea of "forever alones" and *high pitched voice* "Oooo I couldn't be happier *INSERT NUMBER OF MONTHS* With my hubby and still going strong" - I'm Glad there's the new timeline feature as especially for people who have had a number of relationships that can go through each year, look back in hindsight and refer to themselves as dicks.

However I suppose I should get back to the request, which I've somewhat segway'd into with linking stuff and posting things, such as photos - jumping on a dopey and ageing bandwagon the duck face thing... Now when i first saw this i honestly thought it was a joke, that people were purposely looking derpy even though they were fairly attractive (Some are alight when not making the face, but then there are others who, well... Quack, quack)

Sex face

Sexy right... Its a weird screen cap to take, are they giving you a kiss? I mean this one makes me look sexually aggressive and by no means attractive so explain the point to this, were it ironic in terms of here is an amazingly attractive person making themselves look attractive because that's a fairly weird trend that has popped up, but these people think that it looks sexy! Really? you really think looking like you have a mild form of special needs makes you look sexy?

It's a compliment in my mind when someone who you do not know tries to add you on these social networking sites as, I'd imagine it is a way of communicating with someone you find attractive, or have an interesting bio and you'd like to get to know better. However you have those that only wish to use you as a number in an ever expanding army of digits, a friend of mine got into a race to see if he could reach 1000 friends and then keep it at that level for a set amount of time, you'd be surprised at the number of people who would just blindly accept and never bat an eyelid and the person they have just allowed to see a great deal of their personal information (because people can be fools and post important things - I too have been guilty of this), they then never say hello to the person that they have added only 'liking' their derpy pictures and clearly feeling an attachment to their 'friend' even though, for the most part you are mostly a digit to these strangers.

Thanks to the internet, times are far beyond the fears of stranger danger, for most the only thing worth fearing is the de-friend button.

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Olympic Special, Special, special ... Potatoe

Another blog per request, this one has been suggested by my co-workers - after a number of twerps and statues against the entirety of the Olympics being in London - clearly hoping I'd make a tit of myself - don't worry I will do, speaking of twitter, https://twitter.com/Drake_Best do it ... ¬.¬

I watched maybe the first opening 20minutes of the opening ceremony, right up to the point where they had 'James Bond and the Queen' parachuting into the stadium, I agree with the look on the queens face through out the majority of it. I'm in no way taking credit for this demotivational caption, this image went viral maybe moments after the screen cap' was taken - not only showing the power of the internet but also a number of disdained people at the Olympic opener. incidentally it is almost impossible to see the opening ceremony on anything like YouTube, as I said I walked out during the parachuter's but I understand I missed J. K. Rolling in cash, do something with harry potter, and also something involving the NHS and sick children. Glad I left when I did.

It can't be denied that there was a lot going on in the Olympics... for roughly £20million you'd bloody well hope so. this isn't the only cost either! That 20million was for the opening ceremony only, this is not counting the cost of building the new stadiums and sports centres where the games will be played out. On top of this. there was the bid itself to get the games in London in the first place. as it stands the cost of the London hosting the Olympics is at £9.4 billion. £9.4 billion (14.5 billion dollars), an almost unfathomable amount in terms of finding something to compare it to. in terms of scale, say we put  this next to a human.

That little caption says, "1 billion dollars", fourteen and a half more of this and you'll slowly begin to imaging what the games have actually cost us. for what you might ask? a couple of shiny medal necklaces. i understand that these shiny medals have a meaning, after all look at war medals, in terms of what they are they're a chunk of metal and ribbon attached but much like with money, we assign worth to these. However Cameron in his typical wisdom has said, this year we aim to win 48medals. then you look at this website - http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/medals - just keep hitting refresh and watch the battle between China and the USA, shocker as per normal, but with the USA and 500 athletics you'd expect them to win something, and with China well ... there was a story about a large number of young children disappearing and being put into Olympic camps, in preparation for the games,seemingly to breed a winning team, and by God have they done that. In the swimming I watch a 14/16 year old girl beat every other athlete in the pool by at least eight feet and the world record by nearly two seconds. 30 medals, maybe, but that's only if: Daily's partner gets it in time for once, Bolt has a heart attack and every Chinese athlete bites it.

It wouldn't have pissed me off so much had, the London Olympics not been hyped into oblivion and stampeded into the ground my commercials and advertising all with an Olympic underline message. "look at us, look at us, we're sponsoring and mentioning the London Olympics in our advertisement, buy our stuff! do it!" especially the commercials to o with the Olympics themselves, promoting watching and going to the Olympics which is near impossible. for starters it costs an arm and a leg, and for your limbs you get entered into a draw to go to any event. which meant you had no idea where or what event you could be watching... unless your an official, or sponsor, or someone deemed of enough "importance" to be given a place for free. then these people don't even have the courtesy to turn up!? importance is an annoyance in itself, yet another thing that is given value by fools, for  17 days there will be next to no news beyond that of the Olympics, but whilst your sitting there watching men and woman run for minerals, men and woman fight against their oppression. The last two years has seen the oppressed take a stand against what is not right and dictator after dictator has tumbled, before the opening ceremony the rebels were beginning their attack on the main capital, now bouncing through the news channels, past the 21 Olympic specific programs there is almost no normal news to be found, even getting the weather is a struggle and don't even get me started on that dopey logo or mascots.

I digress though, much like with the European cup (its a football thing), its easy to get behind the Olympics as opposed to small bitter rivalries there are large country sized rivalries where nations can get behind, I however reserve my seat in having no interest in it, but hey that's just me, otherwise. Woo Team GB (and the tip of Ireland... and sort of Scotland.. for now)

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Fast Zombies is CHEATING

Although I have already lost this argument  - Not from being wrong of cause, but to being lazy and unwilling to finish the argument off.  However I stand by my point that Zombies that can full out sprint (Non-stop), is unfair.

So to bore you further...

Now I'll clarify my view here: Should the increasingly (Un)thinkable occur, where the Zombie invasion occurs and a Zombie outbreak happens - maybe "Bath salts" will be the trigger and the world will go to crap and the dead walk and eat your flesh - In terms of  things being 'fair' and realistic (As fair and realistic as Zombies are) Zombies should not be able to flat out sprint.
To once again clarify I'm talking about Zombies or undead, not infected people... although an infectious disease is the more likely cause of a Zombie like state. For example the Zombies in the Walking Dead series are the preferable Zombie Scenario (And I'll get to my love of these Zombies later).

The type of infected I'm referring to here, that are not Zombies are such infected as in '28 whatevers later'. Firstly, this is a terrible film that I found boring and tedious (don't get me started on the sequel). These are infected and not Zombies, however the point still stands that the speed at which these buggers get up to is massively unfair and of cause unrealistic, So Not only has the world gone to shit and seemingly the entirety of the UK is in quarantine, with survivors being limited to a bar handful, but ALSO the bastards that can infect you and eat you  - which was never overly explained, they have rabies? or Rage, but they eat flesh? WTF? - Can sprint you down! they also don't seem to get tired, take the scene up the apartment building where the two main characters are heading towards a light source. Out of nowhere these infected sprint up a mountain of trolleys (which to be fair is a reasonable barricade), up maybe 16 floors and still catch up to the heels of the main character before they even reach safety. Come on, I'm a fairly slender guy who goes jogging often and I couldn't do that, Uzan Bolt couldn't do that! - if he was a infected in 28 dodgy effects later how, then screw it, fuck survival, just suicide.

This is the infected scenario which although more likely in how a virus will wipe us poor sods out, is extremely unfair, but that is only on a national scale. Zombification is often on a world wide pandemic scale where nearly all 6.6 billion of us are shuffling flesh eating rotting corpses and each landmass has a massive Zombie presence. It stands to reason in terms of what is fair and realistic that these Zombies are slow moving, because they are dead and rotting, so it would makes sense that they cannot move at the same speed as their bodies are breaking down!
Yes fresh Zombies should be able to move faster, but the environment and person that is Zombified should also effect the speed of them. Every single one should not be able to run you down, as the main fear of Zombies comes from being hopelessly alone as you slowly get surrounded with no escape.

This is why the Zombies in the Walking Dead Series are awesome and in my mind one of the best representation of Zombies so far, they are everywhere, move slowly except when you are a few feet away where they do this quickened shuffle - which shows their excitement and wanting to eat you - which is fair your outnumbered to hell, gunshots attract these things, and they don't stop moving forward in "herds" so your still screwed in terms of the worlds at its end but you have a chance to at least out run them and flee to a degree of safety, but as they don't stop following you no where is truly safe. However my only issue with them is that they can still climb ladders? which is another thing they shouldn't be able to do, as everything has its limits there has to be limits in the natural order of things, Zombies should not have the cognitive ability to climb up ladders...

Ramblings aside in terms of the balanced Zombie, beyond all the crap in films and games where everyone has a different origin story, there should be limits that balance the odds. Zombies should not be able to full out sprint after you, they should decompose as time passes by, weather and who is a Zombie should effect them (in terms of speed, and other such traits), they should not be able to climb ladders or pull them selves up and over something, stairs should pose comical issues for them, fire is a no-no (the feel no pain n00b).

This has turned into one of the longest blogs so I'll stop here, but always remember kids remove the head or destroy the brain is your only salvation when Zombies shuffle.

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