The World (Doesnt) End at Midnight

The ticking clock at your desk reads 23:59 and you watch as the final moments draw to an end, each second drips and oozes with the same slow witted pace as rush hour traffic. The moments slow and collide into one another. Breathe held tight as you prepare to embrace the cataclysm. 00:00 your last minute has arrived, 60 seconds to live, do you hug your lover, kiss your pets, or stand middle-fingers raised to great the red sky... 00:01, 00:02... 00:10? What’s this? Were the ancient Myan’s wrong? My God, we’re saved!

 Then some smart arse points out the Myan calendar would end at 11:10 here in the UK due to the time zone differences... oops, damn we only get to have breakfast and maybe some brunch, the Aussies get lunch, dinner, and some supper. Now that’s just not fair... right let’s start again then...

The ticking clock at your desk reads 11:09 and you watch as the final moments draw to an end, you’re bored now though, you were ready for the world to end at midnight, that girl who is now pregnant, because you just had to have unsafe sex didn’t you, and now you’ve got an itch, isn’t that a bugger? Went out with a bang, came back with some souvenirs, what time is it now? Crap! 11:12 I’ve missed the end of the apocalyp... Oh God damn it!

Yup, those gosh darn Myan’s fooled us again, the world won’t end on the 21^st, do you want to know why the Myan calendar ends on the 21^st, because Barry couldn’t be arsed to finish it off that day, I’ll do it tomorrow he said, I’ve already calculated 3000+ years. I’ll do the rest tomorrow, or Wednesday actually, got a date with Cindy from the sacrificing pits, like to stick something in her. What are the odds of me - the only person clever enough to work out these dates die after getting it on with the high priestess who sacrifices people for a day job.

So Friday will pass us by without incident, besides all those annoying tweets and statuses, and I will have a jolly 22^nd, and 23^rd Etc... Etc... Until the day I get booted down to hell and the river sticks, but that will hopefully be a number of decades away.

Unless the world realy does end Friday, and Oh won’t my face be red.

 First round’s on me in hell if I’m wrong too.

I'M HERE AND QUEER - But don't YOU bring it up

Off the bat, before anyone reading this takes up umbrage with me - I am not prejudice about homosexual people, I've not pre-judged them as I've mostly thought about what I am about to write - mostly.

I do not have an issue with homosexual people, however this is limited to the same respect that I don't have an issue with politics or religion (within reason the occasional genocide aside most are quiet nice). as i said this is limited though to something that can be boiled down to the following: "you can believe whatever you want, so long as you don't try and shove it down my throat", homosexuality much like religion - if you see religion as mostly catholic priests - the phrase 'shove down my throat' may cause a chuckle, but I call attention to it here to take away the humour from it. Gobble cock . Giggity

I have zero issue with homosexual people what's so ever. I keep repeating this so I don't get stabbed to death  but also, using the word ' H O M O S E X U A L ' after referring to a lesbian as gay, they got rather shirt-y with me. stopping me every time I refereed to them as gay and corrected me hand out as "I'm a lesbian actually" or just mouthing 'lesbian' to the person I was speaking to. I GET IT. You have chosen upon a preferred  sexual orientation, congrats, not to be big headed or anything but I was asserted with my sexuality for awhile now, but you don't see me having a parade about how straight I am.

It perplexed me and upon asking them later why they decided to correct me each time I got: "It is because I am a Lesbian and not gay". What? Apparently due to the increasing use of the word gay some homosexual people dislike being refereed to as gay. e.g. God that lesson was gay, gay of cause replacing: God that lesson was a fucking pain in the arse I wish I could brain the teacher. Therefore gay/lesbian people are refereed to in my mind as - Homosexual, as despite it being an extra few pain in the arse syllables to pronounce at least makes people happy. Seeing as I dislike censoring myself for other people, I like to think that I'm using it to be more accurate, Homo meaning 'same as' and Hetero meaning 'other than' and sexual meaning... Well I'm not a nuclear physicist but I'm pretty sure that means something to do with boning.

Tying these neat little strands together and making this rant worthy it pisses me off to equal degree of parents having pictures of their kids in your face, I hate people who define themselves as parents now and expect you to be amazed at the fact they managed to procreate the same way I hate homosexual people who define themselves by their sexuality. Granted parents have a better reason to say "I'm Mrs Blank and my son X Y Z'ed, I R a parent" but its still a pain in the arse, as if they expect you to hold them to a higher degree because they are parents and by extension trust worthy? You can have a offspring, hell 50 but that doesn't mean I'm going to trust you with anything having a kid doesn't make you instantly a saint, social services does exist for a reason. This is comparable to homosexual people who define themselves as gay, but disallow you from calling them gay (see what I did there with the title).

A great deal of homosexual people are obviously gay to the degree of being able to spot this down the street with ridicules stereotypical body language and speech patterns -I remember a news article about a burglar who was recognised due to his 'camp' method of walking! Therefore their is no need to define yourself as gay in conversation... Okay granted there are some that do not stick to stereotypes (in this term I mean the obviously gay stereotype not smoking hot gay stereotype) But they get even more angry then the less attractive stereotypes  I'm sorry your an attractive person who just so happens to be gay, I think if a strange started flirting with me I'd find it a compliment, not fly off the handle bars axe in hand. I don't introduce myself as a white, middle class, straight man I'd like to think you can surmise this from me and my posh boy accent, life isn't a book needing each character dictated to the person in front of you.

But I digress... I could go further in saying that some homosexual people think they will be better parents then parents in a heterosexual relationship, but that is prejudice of its own accord. What makes you think you will be better parents or can give more love then a person in a heterosexual relationship. Don't bring statistics into this either ass hole (Donkey anus) much like the saying women are worse drivers then men, women are only worse drivers as there are more of them on the road, meaning likelihood of accidents increase, the number of homosexual parents to heterosexual parents is so low it is no wonder they are better parents as there is less of them to pad/mess up the percentage. This is a good thing, if the statistic ever switched in terms of numbers at least - meaning the number of heterosexual parentage is dwarfed by homosexual parentage - the world may not last for long, or you better damn well hope scientific technology leaps some more.

In closing I believe the homosexual community should Leave off the gay rights thing. You have enough now, up there with women's right and race rights its becoming increasingly tedious to be Mr Whittier-then-white-guy, for some of you there was a number of century's involving some slight but do you have to keep forcing it down peoples throats, not even religion is that bad, they have the preferred way of thinking to outsiders which is: you can either believe our way or fuck off and we'll see you roast in (insert version of hell here)!


Long story short this is another example of hypocrisy gay people demand rights whilst damning those that don't want to help them or just don't care-  as degenerates or homophobic, I'm not homophobic, I just couldn't give a damn who you bugger, so long as its not me.

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Just Don't Ask Me

If you ask a stupid question, then a stupid answer is what you'll get and coming from a town where the knuckles can be heard scrapping on the floor from the next town over. Many-a stupud question is asked of me, especially at work. Woo Back to form! - Well if you can call whining about work and customers form but still, what you see is what you get.

Another piece suggested by fellow co-workers amoungst an unstoppable tide of idioms (not all of which coming from me). So before I begin I had better get shooting myself in the foot out the way now before some smart arse decides to mention it the next time we're at the pub in front of something scrummy. Yes I'm talking to you Ben.

Like most things context is everything but what happened boils down to this: Good Friday is one of those delightful days known as a bank holiday and brilliant in that it is technically a day off - unless you work in retail, or a pub, or a supermark... is it really a bank holiday? banks are closed by 5 on Fridays anyway... Oh well... With pubs still being open, a pub dinner was suggested and being someone who enjoys beer, chicken and good company I said yes. However as this question was asked about 2 weeks before and lacking (common sense and) a calendar, I had to as the question "What day is Friday?"... Now you my think this a stupid question and out of context it is - though even in context its still pretty low brow. I'd like to justify myself here by saying that, I meant WHEN is good Friday?... in terms of, how far away from this specific date, but sigh, that day has gone and past and there are far better silly questions that get asked in an average day.

There's a difference between asking a silly question that makes you look like a tit Example A: above, and then there's those irritating questions that get repeated and asked near-every-single-day. These also have the same answer to them, which are just as irritating and feel like your dragging your brain behind you in a soggy sack through a cactus factory. (No i don't know where i was going with all these similies either).
Lets see if you can guess the questions they ask from my normal answers:


Check the price tag.
The price tags on the other side.
Where ever you found it.
Is the original price crossed out? then what do you think?
Not unless you lose about 10 stone.
Twat size.
Sure just let me put on my Indiana Johns outfit.
No, I just felt like wearing an all black, monogrammed shirt whilst folding shirts in an arbitary fashion.

And now for the Questions....

How much is this?

Where's the price of this?

Where are these?

Is everything on here reduced?

Does this fit me?

What size do you think I am?

Go check the back room for this?

Do you work here?

I'll just let you compare both Q&A and have a quick chuckle. As there is no doubt that you get customers who have, will and won't stop asking you these questions. However all kudos go to the question that gets asked at least four times a shift by every single member and is the one I gave the best witty remark to. Do you work here? This gets annoying fast on a long day as you both have to do that awkward little laugh as you'd both look pretty damn stupid if you didn't work there. It's a fair question to ask in places where there is no direct uniform, for example in times past my uniform at work used to be black shirt, tie and black trousers, so your kind of unsure if they work there. Especially if you approach someone from behind (giggity)  and they are wearing all black, it could be they're stopping off after a funeral - which may sound unlikely but they do not enjoy being asked where the tills are after a death in the family.

Now though we have monogrammed shirts, much like other stores, as well as lanyards  which say our names in big size 14 letters, yet people STILL ask if you work there. There is always the temptation in my head to give the very similar response to being asked "Are you awake?" at 1am - No, Now fuck off and bother someone else. 

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Damn, Damnation!

After running somewhat low on finding witty and anger inducing things to bitch about - even though I do have two subject matters in the pipeline: The first being people cutting in line, which as soon as someone tries I'm sure I'll have enough rage built up to Zidane that arsehole into written oblivion. The second option is where I whine about poor people ... again! but I'll have to admit that is getting rather stale material, however much like the former it is one non-working, benefit stealing herp-derper to piss me off away from being done... So what I'm saying is when I eventual leave my house and head towards Asda/Wallmart the said rage will arise and I'll bore you thusly.

On the other hand I felt like listening to one of my friends this time, and might review a game - bye bye ladies - though screw anything "mainstream", not because I'm pretentious or anything, but because no doubt typing in the latest release into Google will result in a wave of legitimate and/or not so legitimate writers each trying to jump on the back of these games praying that the finger cramp was not actually in vain.

Thus I've decided when the preferable barrel is scraped bare I'll do a quick hop and skip to the local pre owned shop (because I'm tight like that) for any title I have never actually heard of, the cheaper the better, hoping to find some gem, some - dare I try and tie a Disney film into this - "diamond in the ruff".
The only problem with this though is a pretty plane as there is sound reason why these games aren't heard of. Its because they suck!

Oh blast, I've just given the ending away to my opinion on this game, but seeing how I'm already three paragraphs in so I have a feeling I should talk about the game I'm bitching about: Its called "Damnation". Put on a comical American cowboy accent and you can pretty much guess the era your living in, but with

Steam Punk example

a Steampunk twist. Something that not too many games have set on, the Steam punk interest is fairly high for what it is. In a nut shell it is almost always Earth but in a parallel universe where the use of electricity never took off instead technology is powered by Steam and fashion/society is stuck in the past (thus Steam-punk) what this results in is weaponry and cars zooming around with the aid of steal and steam, the fashion is stuck in the Elizabethan era mostly to give it that edgy look.

Damnation on the other hand is more cowboy based so you have your grizzled ex-general guy with a cowboy hat and steam punk six shooter. Well this is mostly surmised from the box art as the actual in game graphics are shocking. even sitting on top of my television set the graphics were still blurry, there's setting the mood through grimy and brownie settings and then there's taking a shotgun paint gun to a wide open space. Seeing as I didn't hear of this game before I took it merely on the box art, when in fact I should have been bent over by my phone company and looked up the game to see the synopsis and/or the rating that it received. nothing above a 4/10 or over 40% from game reviews, panning it into the earths core suggesting all others void it at all costs. looking at the wiki for it would also have helped "Damnation features large, open environments where a variety of acrobatics and Hollywood-action stunts are possible. Damnation features verticality which differentiates it from many other games in the genre" vertical meaning, you had better have a head for heights and be prepared to spend hours climbing up every few moments. This is something a many number of games have done recently, where you start on the bottom and the aim is to reach the summit but most give you a map marker, even some map to speak of. Not Damnation! Only verbal instructions so that if you forget what your meant to be looking for, such as a single flight of stairs in a soup of brown, your buggered.

This wouldn't have bothered me so much had there not been a long list of other such problems, from a player point of view the only usable weapon is the high powered rifle, every other weapon that is in abundance is awful, the only person that can use it is the AI and that's a bastard as the enemy is retarded in terms of tactics - they'll stand legs akimbo in an open window still soaking up hits, but they hit like trucks with no cover features either or shoulder switching means that's you can't take proper cover from any fire beyond running behind a wall and hope the enemy is on the right hand side opposed to the left unless you wish to become cheese.

The game tries it's best to set itself apart from its clear influences; the mono shaded HUD (heads up display), wide battle grounds and grungy style reeks of Gears of war, whilst its Free running sections also leave a metallic Prince of Persia taste in your mouth and slight hint of Assassin's creed with all that damned vertical climbing.

So I implore all those that read this, DO NOT BUY THIS GAME! If you see it in a store, burn it! My Gamer score is now tarnished by this monstrosity and also lead me to suffer from vertigo, something I've never had before - even suffering through Mirror's Edge never gave me that. However that's enough of this, I'm by no means a professional and need more suggestions otherwise I'll just have to ask a homeless person again, and those fellows aren't muses, fuckers charge for their insights.

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Olympic Special, Special, special ... Potatoe

Another blog per request, this one has been suggested by my co-workers - after a number of twerps and statues against the entirety of the Olympics being in London - clearly hoping I'd make a tit of myself - don't worry I will do, speaking of twitter, https://twitter.com/Drake_Best do it ... ¬.¬

I watched maybe the first opening 20minutes of the opening ceremony, right up to the point where they had 'James Bond and the Queen' parachuting into the stadium, I agree with the look on the queens face through out the majority of it. I'm in no way taking credit for this demotivational caption, this image went viral maybe moments after the screen cap' was taken - not only showing the power of the internet but also a number of disdained people at the Olympic opener. incidentally it is almost impossible to see the opening ceremony on anything like YouTube, as I said I walked out during the parachuter's but I understand I missed J. K. Rolling in cash, do something with harry potter, and also something involving the NHS and sick children. Glad I left when I did.

It can't be denied that there was a lot going on in the Olympics... for roughly £20million you'd bloody well hope so. this isn't the only cost either! That 20million was for the opening ceremony only, this is not counting the cost of building the new stadiums and sports centres where the games will be played out. On top of this. there was the bid itself to get the games in London in the first place. as it stands the cost of the London hosting the Olympics is at £9.4 billion. £9.4 billion (14.5 billion dollars), an almost unfathomable amount in terms of finding something to compare it to. in terms of scale, say we put  this next to a human.

That little caption says, "1 billion dollars", fourteen and a half more of this and you'll slowly begin to imaging what the games have actually cost us. for what you might ask? a couple of shiny medal necklaces. i understand that these shiny medals have a meaning, after all look at war medals, in terms of what they are they're a chunk of metal and ribbon attached but much like with money, we assign worth to these. However Cameron in his typical wisdom has said, this year we aim to win 48medals. then you look at this website - http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/medals - just keep hitting refresh and watch the battle between China and the USA, shocker as per normal, but with the USA and 500 athletics you'd expect them to win something, and with China well ... there was a story about a large number of young children disappearing and being put into Olympic camps, in preparation for the games,seemingly to breed a winning team, and by God have they done that. In the swimming I watch a 14/16 year old girl beat every other athlete in the pool by at least eight feet and the world record by nearly two seconds. 30 medals, maybe, but that's only if: Daily's partner gets it in time for once, Bolt has a heart attack and every Chinese athlete bites it.

It wouldn't have pissed me off so much had, the London Olympics not been hyped into oblivion and stampeded into the ground my commercials and advertising all with an Olympic underline message. "look at us, look at us, we're sponsoring and mentioning the London Olympics in our advertisement, buy our stuff! do it!" especially the commercials to o with the Olympics themselves, promoting watching and going to the Olympics which is near impossible. for starters it costs an arm and a leg, and for your limbs you get entered into a draw to go to any event. which meant you had no idea where or what event you could be watching... unless your an official, or sponsor, or someone deemed of enough "importance" to be given a place for free. then these people don't even have the courtesy to turn up!? importance is an annoyance in itself, yet another thing that is given value by fools, for  17 days there will be next to no news beyond that of the Olympics, but whilst your sitting there watching men and woman run for minerals, men and woman fight against their oppression. The last two years has seen the oppressed take a stand against what is not right and dictator after dictator has tumbled, before the opening ceremony the rebels were beginning their attack on the main capital, now bouncing through the news channels, past the 21 Olympic specific programs there is almost no normal news to be found, even getting the weather is a struggle and don't even get me started on that dopey logo or mascots.

I digress though, much like with the European cup (its a football thing), its easy to get behind the Olympics as opposed to small bitter rivalries there are large country sized rivalries where nations can get behind, I however reserve my seat in having no interest in it, but hey that's just me, otherwise. Woo Team GB (and the tip of Ireland... and sort of Scotland.. for now)

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Fast Zombies is CHEATING

Although I have already lost this argument  - Not from being wrong of cause, but to being lazy and unwilling to finish the argument off.  However I stand by my point that Zombies that can full out sprint (Non-stop), is unfair.

So to bore you further...

Now I'll clarify my view here: Should the increasingly (Un)thinkable occur, where the Zombie invasion occurs and a Zombie outbreak happens - maybe "Bath salts" will be the trigger and the world will go to crap and the dead walk and eat your flesh - In terms of  things being 'fair' and realistic (As fair and realistic as Zombies are) Zombies should not be able to flat out sprint.
To once again clarify I'm talking about Zombies or undead, not infected people... although an infectious disease is the more likely cause of a Zombie like state. For example the Zombies in the Walking Dead series are the preferable Zombie Scenario (And I'll get to my love of these Zombies later).

The type of infected I'm referring to here, that are not Zombies are such infected as in '28 whatevers later'. Firstly, this is a terrible film that I found boring and tedious (don't get me started on the sequel). These are infected and not Zombies, however the point still stands that the speed at which these buggers get up to is massively unfair and of cause unrealistic, So Not only has the world gone to shit and seemingly the entirety of the UK is in quarantine, with survivors being limited to a bar handful, but ALSO the bastards that can infect you and eat you  - which was never overly explained, they have rabies? or Rage, but they eat flesh? WTF? - Can sprint you down! they also don't seem to get tired, take the scene up the apartment building where the two main characters are heading towards a light source. Out of nowhere these infected sprint up a mountain of trolleys (which to be fair is a reasonable barricade), up maybe 16 floors and still catch up to the heels of the main character before they even reach safety. Come on, I'm a fairly slender guy who goes jogging often and I couldn't do that, Uzan Bolt couldn't do that! - if he was a infected in 28 dodgy effects later how, then screw it, fuck survival, just suicide.

This is the infected scenario which although more likely in how a virus will wipe us poor sods out, is extremely unfair, but that is only on a national scale. Zombification is often on a world wide pandemic scale where nearly all 6.6 billion of us are shuffling flesh eating rotting corpses and each landmass has a massive Zombie presence. It stands to reason in terms of what is fair and realistic that these Zombies are slow moving, because they are dead and rotting, so it would makes sense that they cannot move at the same speed as their bodies are breaking down!
Yes fresh Zombies should be able to move faster, but the environment and person that is Zombified should also effect the speed of them. Every single one should not be able to run you down, as the main fear of Zombies comes from being hopelessly alone as you slowly get surrounded with no escape.

This is why the Zombies in the Walking Dead Series are awesome and in my mind one of the best representation of Zombies so far, they are everywhere, move slowly except when you are a few feet away where they do this quickened shuffle - which shows their excitement and wanting to eat you - which is fair your outnumbered to hell, gunshots attract these things, and they don't stop moving forward in "herds" so your still screwed in terms of the worlds at its end but you have a chance to at least out run them and flee to a degree of safety, but as they don't stop following you no where is truly safe. However my only issue with them is that they can still climb ladders? which is another thing they shouldn't be able to do, as everything has its limits there has to be limits in the natural order of things, Zombies should not have the cognitive ability to climb up ladders...

Ramblings aside in terms of the balanced Zombie, beyond all the crap in films and games where everyone has a different origin story, there should be limits that balance the odds. Zombies should not be able to full out sprint after you, they should decompose as time passes by, weather and who is a Zombie should effect them (in terms of speed, and other such traits), they should not be able to climb ladders or pull them selves up and over something, stairs should pose comical issues for them, fire is a no-no (the feel no pain n00b).

This has turned into one of the longest blogs so I'll stop here, but always remember kids remove the head or destroy the brain is your only salvation when Zombies shuffle.

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