Goodbye Woody

 Deep down in the heart of Men's,
 A place of work, where colleges are friends,

 There was a girl, as bubbly as sin,
 She liked a laugh, and everything there-in
 So Becky will be missed, because she was kin
 As Men's is a family and will never forget.

<----------------------------------------------->
 She grabbed her whip and strode out the door, beating customers as she went for Becky was now free and could do as she wish. Gone is the fake curtsey to elbows and arsehole she is free to indulge in her  true career as a dominatrix along the Portsmouth (or Southampton) coast, feasting on knowledge and alcohol toasting her memories of the best place to work in the world, after all who doesn't like working on Men.
<---------------------------------------------->

  Becky woods, Becky woods, Becky Woods,
  I think I've embarrassed myself enough
  Goodbye, piece out and all that jazz.

  Stalk you later.

  *Winky face*

Just Don't Ask Me

If you ask a stupid question, then a stupid answer is what you'll get and coming from a town where the knuckles can be heard scrapping on the floor from the next town over. Many-a stupud question is asked of me, especially at work. Woo Back to form! - Well if you can call whining about work and customers form but still, what you see is what you get.

Another piece suggested by fellow co-workers amoungst an unstoppable tide of idioms (not all of which coming from me). So before I begin I had better get shooting myself in the foot out the way now before some smart arse decides to mention it the next time we're at the pub in front of something scrummy. Yes I'm talking to you Ben.

Like most things context is everything but what happened boils down to this: Good Friday is one of those delightful days known as a bank holiday and brilliant in that it is technically a day off - unless you work in retail, or a pub, or a supermark... is it really a bank holiday? banks are closed by 5 on Fridays anyway... Oh well... With pubs still being open, a pub dinner was suggested and being someone who enjoys beer, chicken and good company I said yes. However as this question was asked about 2 weeks before and lacking (common sense and) a calendar, I had to as the question "What day is Friday?"... Now you my think this a stupid question and out of context it is - though even in context its still pretty low brow. I'd like to justify myself here by saying that, I meant WHEN is good Friday?... in terms of, how far away from this specific date, but sigh, that day has gone and past and there are far better silly questions that get asked in an average day.

There's a difference between asking a silly question that makes you look like a tit Example A: above, and then there's those irritating questions that get repeated and asked near-every-single-day. These also have the same answer to them, which are just as irritating and feel like your dragging your brain behind you in a soggy sack through a cactus factory. (No i don't know where i was going with all these similies either).
Lets see if you can guess the questions they ask from my normal answers:


Check the price tag.
The price tags on the other side.
Where ever you found it.
Is the original price crossed out? then what do you think?
Not unless you lose about 10 stone.
Twat size.
Sure just let me put on my Indiana Johns outfit.
No, I just felt like wearing an all black, monogrammed shirt whilst folding shirts in an arbitary fashion.

And now for the Questions....

How much is this?

Where's the price of this?

Where are these?

Is everything on here reduced?

Does this fit me?

What size do you think I am?

Go check the back room for this?

Do you work here?

I'll just let you compare both Q&A and have a quick chuckle. As there is no doubt that you get customers who have, will and won't stop asking you these questions. However all kudos go to the question that gets asked at least four times a shift by every single member and is the one I gave the best witty remark to. Do you work here? This gets annoying fast on a long day as you both have to do that awkward little laugh as you'd both look pretty damn stupid if you didn't work there. It's a fair question to ask in places where there is no direct uniform, for example in times past my uniform at work used to be black shirt, tie and black trousers, so your kind of unsure if they work there. Especially if you approach someone from behind (giggity)  and they are wearing all black, it could be they're stopping off after a funeral - which may sound unlikely but they do not enjoy being asked where the tills are after a death in the family.

Now though we have monogrammed shirts, much like other stores, as well as lanyards  which say our names in big size 14 letters, yet people STILL ask if you work there. There is always the temptation in my head to give the very similar response to being asked "Are you awake?" at 1am - No, Now fuck off and bother someone else. 

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Damn, Damnation!

After running somewhat low on finding witty and anger inducing things to bitch about - even though I do have two subject matters in the pipeline: The first being people cutting in line, which as soon as someone tries I'm sure I'll have enough rage built up to Zidane that arsehole into written oblivion. The second option is where I whine about poor people ... again! but I'll have to admit that is getting rather stale material, however much like the former it is one non-working, benefit stealing herp-derper to piss me off away from being done... So what I'm saying is when I eventual leave my house and head towards Asda/Wallmart the said rage will arise and I'll bore you thusly.

On the other hand I felt like listening to one of my friends this time, and might review a game - bye bye ladies - though screw anything "mainstream", not because I'm pretentious or anything, but because no doubt typing in the latest release into Google will result in a wave of legitimate and/or not so legitimate writers each trying to jump on the back of these games praying that the finger cramp was not actually in vain.

Thus I've decided when the preferable barrel is scraped bare I'll do a quick hop and skip to the local pre owned shop (because I'm tight like that) for any title I have never actually heard of, the cheaper the better, hoping to find some gem, some - dare I try and tie a Disney film into this - "diamond in the ruff".
The only problem with this though is a pretty plane as there is sound reason why these games aren't heard of. Its because they suck!

Oh blast, I've just given the ending away to my opinion on this game, but seeing how I'm already three paragraphs in so I have a feeling I should talk about the game I'm bitching about: Its called "Damnation". Put on a comical American cowboy accent and you can pretty much guess the era your living in, but with

Steam Punk example

a Steampunk twist. Something that not too many games have set on, the Steam punk interest is fairly high for what it is. In a nut shell it is almost always Earth but in a parallel universe where the use of electricity never took off instead technology is powered by Steam and fashion/society is stuck in the past (thus Steam-punk) what this results in is weaponry and cars zooming around with the aid of steal and steam, the fashion is stuck in the Elizabethan era mostly to give it that edgy look.

Damnation on the other hand is more cowboy based so you have your grizzled ex-general guy with a cowboy hat and steam punk six shooter. Well this is mostly surmised from the box art as the actual in game graphics are shocking. even sitting on top of my television set the graphics were still blurry, there's setting the mood through grimy and brownie settings and then there's taking a shotgun paint gun to a wide open space. Seeing as I didn't hear of this game before I took it merely on the box art, when in fact I should have been bent over by my phone company and looked up the game to see the synopsis and/or the rating that it received. nothing above a 4/10 or over 40% from game reviews, panning it into the earths core suggesting all others void it at all costs. looking at the wiki for it would also have helped "Damnation features large, open environments where a variety of acrobatics and Hollywood-action stunts are possible. Damnation features verticality which differentiates it from many other games in the genre" vertical meaning, you had better have a head for heights and be prepared to spend hours climbing up every few moments. This is something a many number of games have done recently, where you start on the bottom and the aim is to reach the summit but most give you a map marker, even some map to speak of. Not Damnation! Only verbal instructions so that if you forget what your meant to be looking for, such as a single flight of stairs in a soup of brown, your buggered.

This wouldn't have bothered me so much had there not been a long list of other such problems, from a player point of view the only usable weapon is the high powered rifle, every other weapon that is in abundance is awful, the only person that can use it is the AI and that's a bastard as the enemy is retarded in terms of tactics - they'll stand legs akimbo in an open window still soaking up hits, but they hit like trucks with no cover features either or shoulder switching means that's you can't take proper cover from any fire beyond running behind a wall and hope the enemy is on the right hand side opposed to the left unless you wish to become cheese.

The game tries it's best to set itself apart from its clear influences; the mono shaded HUD (heads up display), wide battle grounds and grungy style reeks of Gears of war, whilst its Free running sections also leave a metallic Prince of Persia taste in your mouth and slight hint of Assassin's creed with all that damned vertical climbing.

So I implore all those that read this, DO NOT BUY THIS GAME! If you see it in a store, burn it! My Gamer score is now tarnished by this monstrosity and also lead me to suffer from vertigo, something I've never had before - even suffering through Mirror's Edge never gave me that. However that's enough of this, I'm by no means a professional and need more suggestions otherwise I'll just have to ask a homeless person again, and those fellows aren't muses, fuckers charge for their insights.

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Random Add z z z z z zzz

Requested by Declan. Sort of - I'll get to the ducks and army of thumbs shortly ...

With my friends list hovering somewhat steadily at 172 (damn thing wont move), I should choose my words carefully and be aware of what I say as to not insult too many of you, especially as a many number of those 172 are; from my local area, know where I work and are within thumbing distance. However something that  I agree with this Declan fellow is about new RANDOM people that add you. Now I know aesthetically speaking, I'm the bees knees - come on look at that sexy self portrait - but I still don't fully understand random adders.

Sexy self

These are the people I know I have never met before, just adding and then saying nothing. In fact the only thing for the most part they do say is "herp, thanks for the addz", thanks for making the effort of cut and pasting the same arbitrary thank you, that you send to everyone else in your upwards of 2'000 friends list. Who the heck knows and actively speaks to that many people, I understand that going through life and thanks to these bloody things  you pick up people every know and then, for example on the street or at a party - odds on your doubtful to continue speaking to this person after the add - But get rid of them, surely your feeds are filled with a noise of people, the amount of stupid must be deafening (I know this will undoubtedly add to the noise of retard) when links get thrown and pounded down your throats, not to even mention the Bi-polar disorder that all statuses become. Have you ever pinged down your feed on valentines day? It's a sea of "forever alones" and *high pitched voice* "Oooo I couldn't be happier *INSERT NUMBER OF MONTHS* With my hubby and still going strong" - I'm Glad there's the new timeline feature as especially for people who have had a number of relationships that can go through each year, look back in hindsight and refer to themselves as dicks.

However I suppose I should get back to the request, which I've somewhat segway'd into with linking stuff and posting things, such as photos - jumping on a dopey and ageing bandwagon the duck face thing... Now when i first saw this i honestly thought it was a joke, that people were purposely looking derpy even though they were fairly attractive (Some are alight when not making the face, but then there are others who, well... Quack, quack)

Sex face

Sexy right... Its a weird screen cap to take, are they giving you a kiss? I mean this one makes me look sexually aggressive and by no means attractive so explain the point to this, were it ironic in terms of here is an amazingly attractive person making themselves look attractive because that's a fairly weird trend that has popped up, but these people think that it looks sexy! Really? you really think looking like you have a mild form of special needs makes you look sexy?

It's a compliment in my mind when someone who you do not know tries to add you on these social networking sites as, I'd imagine it is a way of communicating with someone you find attractive, or have an interesting bio and you'd like to get to know better. However you have those that only wish to use you as a number in an ever expanding army of digits, a friend of mine got into a race to see if he could reach 1000 friends and then keep it at that level for a set amount of time, you'd be surprised at the number of people who would just blindly accept and never bat an eyelid and the person they have just allowed to see a great deal of their personal information (because people can be fools and post important things - I too have been guilty of this), they then never say hello to the person that they have added only 'liking' their derpy pictures and clearly feeling an attachment to their 'friend' even though, for the most part you are mostly a digit to these strangers.

Thanks to the internet, times are far beyond the fears of stranger danger, for most the only thing worth fearing is the de-friend button.

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Olympic Special, Special, special ... Potatoe

Another blog per request, this one has been suggested by my co-workers - after a number of twerps and statues against the entirety of the Olympics being in London - clearly hoping I'd make a tit of myself - don't worry I will do, speaking of twitter, https://twitter.com/Drake_Best do it ... ¬.¬

I watched maybe the first opening 20minutes of the opening ceremony, right up to the point where they had 'James Bond and the Queen' parachuting into the stadium, I agree with the look on the queens face through out the majority of it. I'm in no way taking credit for this demotivational caption, this image went viral maybe moments after the screen cap' was taken - not only showing the power of the internet but also a number of disdained people at the Olympic opener. incidentally it is almost impossible to see the opening ceremony on anything like YouTube, as I said I walked out during the parachuter's but I understand I missed J. K. Rolling in cash, do something with harry potter, and also something involving the NHS and sick children. Glad I left when I did.

It can't be denied that there was a lot going on in the Olympics... for roughly £20million you'd bloody well hope so. this isn't the only cost either! That 20million was for the opening ceremony only, this is not counting the cost of building the new stadiums and sports centres where the games will be played out. On top of this. there was the bid itself to get the games in London in the first place. as it stands the cost of the London hosting the Olympics is at £9.4 billion. £9.4 billion (14.5 billion dollars), an almost unfathomable amount in terms of finding something to compare it to. in terms of scale, say we put  this next to a human.

That little caption says, "1 billion dollars", fourteen and a half more of this and you'll slowly begin to imaging what the games have actually cost us. for what you might ask? a couple of shiny medal necklaces. i understand that these shiny medals have a meaning, after all look at war medals, in terms of what they are they're a chunk of metal and ribbon attached but much like with money, we assign worth to these. However Cameron in his typical wisdom has said, this year we aim to win 48medals. then you look at this website - http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/medals - just keep hitting refresh and watch the battle between China and the USA, shocker as per normal, but with the USA and 500 athletics you'd expect them to win something, and with China well ... there was a story about a large number of young children disappearing and being put into Olympic camps, in preparation for the games,seemingly to breed a winning team, and by God have they done that. In the swimming I watch a 14/16 year old girl beat every other athlete in the pool by at least eight feet and the world record by nearly two seconds. 30 medals, maybe, but that's only if: Daily's partner gets it in time for once, Bolt has a heart attack and every Chinese athlete bites it.

It wouldn't have pissed me off so much had, the London Olympics not been hyped into oblivion and stampeded into the ground my commercials and advertising all with an Olympic underline message. "look at us, look at us, we're sponsoring and mentioning the London Olympics in our advertisement, buy our stuff! do it!" especially the commercials to o with the Olympics themselves, promoting watching and going to the Olympics which is near impossible. for starters it costs an arm and a leg, and for your limbs you get entered into a draw to go to any event. which meant you had no idea where or what event you could be watching... unless your an official, or sponsor, or someone deemed of enough "importance" to be given a place for free. then these people don't even have the courtesy to turn up!? importance is an annoyance in itself, yet another thing that is given value by fools, for  17 days there will be next to no news beyond that of the Olympics, but whilst your sitting there watching men and woman run for minerals, men and woman fight against their oppression. The last two years has seen the oppressed take a stand against what is not right and dictator after dictator has tumbled, before the opening ceremony the rebels were beginning their attack on the main capital, now bouncing through the news channels, past the 21 Olympic specific programs there is almost no normal news to be found, even getting the weather is a struggle and don't even get me started on that dopey logo or mascots.

I digress though, much like with the European cup (its a football thing), its easy to get behind the Olympics as opposed to small bitter rivalries there are large country sized rivalries where nations can get behind, I however reserve my seat in having no interest in it, but hey that's just me, otherwise. Woo Team GB (and the tip of Ireland... and sort of Scotland.. for now)

Requests via Twitter or Facebook, for my next mundane yet somewhat amusing rant.

Harry Houdini's Buggy

Now if you don't know who Harry Houdini is then go to Google now and look it up as the somewhat clever title will be lost on you. also not knowing who he is makes you a bit of a moron on the same par as those people who don't know who Genghis khan or Stalin is. You'd think, "haha, how can someone not know who Stalin is?" You'd think that but people are R-tards.

As the tags hint this is yet another mother/child bashing blog, but not to worry it will be one of the last as my 'friends list' has been suffering for it. which obviously is soul destroying for me - as a way to shift the direct hatred for some of the stuff I'm about to write it was a subject suggested by my manager a number of weeks ago.

Without further ado...

I work in a clothing retail store, so the shop floor has rails both free standing, against the walls and also a number of tables (with which to hold folded clothes) dotted about the place, this is also not to mention the pillars that are required for wiring and of cause making the place structurally sound - or to support the fat cats above (NB. please don't fire me, for the love of God don't fire me). So moving around the place is difficult at the best of time, this is not to mention when you throw customers into the mix with shopping bags and the stuff they are hopefully soon to buy and not just go through the motions with us. remaining polite whilst dodging customers who stop and start - will have long conversations in groups - is difficult at the best of time, then you apply buggies with kids and if you've been following and reading these blogs from the beginning you'll know buggies and myself don't mix, however I can see the use to them and/or the point to having and using buggies around the place... for the most part.

However, why should I move out of the way, or get up off of the floor - from where I was folding (still trying to keep my job) and/or staking a low shelf - for someone with an ASDA bag in the buggy starring at me! its not even as if the child is with the pram either, more often them not there is no child within a 10feet radius. This is far worse then there actually being a child there, I mind but I don't mind as much if moving out of the way will remove this smelly, crying child from my presence. There is barely enough room for a pram/buggy to go through shops without having their shopping spilling out and having their screaming kid in arm - who is only screaming as they are hot and tired from being booted out of their nice and comfy seat for a loaf of bread!

This rant idea was supplied by my Manager - somewhat proof that I'm not the only person who thinks this way. (NB: remember, don't fire me, you senior managers are lovely people)

Bonus section - This is further evidence about the bane that is Buggies/prams. I was at a bullfight

(Interestingly which was a misunderstanding, it is not actually a bull fight, it is meant to be called a bull dance, which is why the matadors jump, swoosh and move around the bull. though it is dancing with a definitive point at the end - see what I did there)

I was at a bullfight, where this fellow walked past us an something about him caught my eye, it wasn't just that he had two very young children following himself and his wife but also that he was carrying something. upon zooming in with my camera i discovered that it was a damn pram!! and that there was an even smaller kid holding the mothers hand. Why are you here?! firstly why have you brought your very young children to an event where *puts on Jigsaw voice* there will be blood. secondly why have you brought the pram in with you? there is no where to put it down, every step is in fact a seat and they are numbered, where do you think that thing will be going during the event when the place fills up. utter mourn.

Next blog is the Olympic Special, supplied by co-workers.

Fast Zombies is CHEATING

Although I have already lost this argument  - Not from being wrong of cause, but to being lazy and unwilling to finish the argument off.  However I stand by my point that Zombies that can full out sprint (Non-stop), is unfair.

So to bore you further...

Now I'll clarify my view here: Should the increasingly (Un)thinkable occur, where the Zombie invasion occurs and a Zombie outbreak happens - maybe "Bath salts" will be the trigger and the world will go to crap and the dead walk and eat your flesh - In terms of  things being 'fair' and realistic (As fair and realistic as Zombies are) Zombies should not be able to flat out sprint.
To once again clarify I'm talking about Zombies or undead, not infected people... although an infectious disease is the more likely cause of a Zombie like state. For example the Zombies in the Walking Dead series are the preferable Zombie Scenario (And I'll get to my love of these Zombies later).

The type of infected I'm referring to here, that are not Zombies are such infected as in '28 whatevers later'. Firstly, this is a terrible film that I found boring and tedious (don't get me started on the sequel). These are infected and not Zombies, however the point still stands that the speed at which these buggers get up to is massively unfair and of cause unrealistic, So Not only has the world gone to shit and seemingly the entirety of the UK is in quarantine, with survivors being limited to a bar handful, but ALSO the bastards that can infect you and eat you  - which was never overly explained, they have rabies? or Rage, but they eat flesh? WTF? - Can sprint you down! they also don't seem to get tired, take the scene up the apartment building where the two main characters are heading towards a light source. Out of nowhere these infected sprint up a mountain of trolleys (which to be fair is a reasonable barricade), up maybe 16 floors and still catch up to the heels of the main character before they even reach safety. Come on, I'm a fairly slender guy who goes jogging often and I couldn't do that, Uzan Bolt couldn't do that! - if he was a infected in 28 dodgy effects later how, then screw it, fuck survival, just suicide.

This is the infected scenario which although more likely in how a virus will wipe us poor sods out, is extremely unfair, but that is only on a national scale. Zombification is often on a world wide pandemic scale where nearly all 6.6 billion of us are shuffling flesh eating rotting corpses and each landmass has a massive Zombie presence. It stands to reason in terms of what is fair and realistic that these Zombies are slow moving, because they are dead and rotting, so it would makes sense that they cannot move at the same speed as their bodies are breaking down!
Yes fresh Zombies should be able to move faster, but the environment and person that is Zombified should also effect the speed of them. Every single one should not be able to run you down, as the main fear of Zombies comes from being hopelessly alone as you slowly get surrounded with no escape.

This is why the Zombies in the Walking Dead Series are awesome and in my mind one of the best representation of Zombies so far, they are everywhere, move slowly except when you are a few feet away where they do this quickened shuffle - which shows their excitement and wanting to eat you - which is fair your outnumbered to hell, gunshots attract these things, and they don't stop moving forward in "herds" so your still screwed in terms of the worlds at its end but you have a chance to at least out run them and flee to a degree of safety, but as they don't stop following you no where is truly safe. However my only issue with them is that they can still climb ladders? which is another thing they shouldn't be able to do, as everything has its limits there has to be limits in the natural order of things, Zombies should not have the cognitive ability to climb up ladders...

Ramblings aside in terms of the balanced Zombie, beyond all the crap in films and games where everyone has a different origin story, there should be limits that balance the odds. Zombies should not be able to full out sprint after you, they should decompose as time passes by, weather and who is a Zombie should effect them (in terms of speed, and other such traits), they should not be able to climb ladders or pull them selves up and over something, stairs should pose comical issues for them, fire is a no-no (the feel no pain n00b).

This has turned into one of the longest blogs so I'll stop here, but always remember kids remove the head or destroy the brain is your only salvation when Zombies shuffle.

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