WARNING! This Food Has Expired!

Well much like a whore's period I once again fucked up and I'm late (again) so it is time for a quick wire hanger plunge to the lower abdomen and make everything kosher. (don't question the origin of that metaphor)

In human history we have been gathering food, mass producing it and selling it to others for consumption for years now, there are large buildings full of said produce, each neatly packed and displayed for the consumer. Gone is the time of the hunter gatherering male - with spear and net, his only currency was a pointy stick and his cashier was the stream or woods where he took the meat from. So its safe to say that we as a species have developed, this being obvious that you are now reading this typed assemblance of pixels on an electronic device.

Meaning that technology has also increased, to the point that it is in everything now; there is one-way glass, windows that close when it rains, laptop computers, internet sites for the ramblings of humans... and yet, you'd think by now they would have better warnings on stuff. Granted there are sirens and alarms that warn people, but no direct ways of stopping someone. For example, say you are like myself hungry and the only source of food in the fridge is a prawn salad (fuck salad by the way)... now it was out of date (hence the title), but it was in the fridge and unopened, and the point of a fridge is to keep food from going off right? Nope.

So I got food poisoning. Which baffled me, and got me thinking - despite all the warnings  and technology - stupid, ignorant fools like me eat out of date food, get sick and look retarded. there are smart coffee cups that react to the heat and can make images appear and disappear, glass that frosts over at the push of a button, usually crap! but food which has a decent warning that tells you it is out of date. Nope. Nothing.

I want packaged food not with the the amount of fat, salt or calories in it (because screw you calorie counters), instead I want food that tells you that it has expired. preferably in big block capital letters, over where any previous message was - this goes for milk too and any other food you have to smell whether of not it is off or not. The messages would read as:

 After a day out of date "I wouldn't recommend it" would appear.
2nd day "No Really, You'd Be Pushing it"
Then the 3rd + day "THROW THIS AWAY IF YOU WANT TO LIVE"

Warning messages like this might give us hungry fellows pause for thought, before we then grab that side of beer to wash it all down with.

There Is a Vegan Option Norman

Recently (meaning it happened within the same month, or at a point in history) I heard an report that a number of Americans where turning towards vegan-ism (its an ethos right?), something I found hilariously ironic for a country that possibly eats the largest amount of meat in the world - and no that is not an overt dick sucking joke, as after all it is other countries that suck on America's throbbing member.

Another suggested piece by a fellow employee - beep, boop, At the best place to work ever - Speaking of, you should suggest some yourself, and you know what? Do it now, here :https://twitter.com/Drake_Best: No  don't read further, just do it... I can wait...
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What took you so long? And I was talking to the pretty one, but sigh you'll do...

Now that, that flow breaker is out of the way, we can continue. Last month where I neglected to put any post (because I'm lazy, deal with it), I made a new friend whilst on lunch His name was Norman, and seeing how I was trapped and mid-way through my SUBWAY! I could hardly get up and leave. I liked Norman though as he hated everything as well and after a few discussions on my favourite topics we moved on to vegetarian's (somehow) and then Vegans. Now my colleague at work suggested writing about them last month as did the news report but, Norman reminded me of it and posed a good conversation which although made me late stopped me from getting wet.

Norman tells the story of how one day his friend moved to being a vegetarian - which is fair, I've  a few friends who where/are veggies its there choice and more meat for the rest of us right? - well then the next day Norman's friend turned into a Vegan and under hushed tones "a massive arsehole". As he had switched into a "tree-hugging, hippie" who wouldn't eat with other meat eaters because he didn't want to think of all the animals that had to suffer. Which I guess makes sense, its his prerogative after all, but then this was followed by Norman's friend not eating anything which came into contact with meat, he wouldn't use glue and wear anything which was made from any form of animal products! He had become, A Vegan.

What!! But it's cold and woollen jumpers are warm! That makes limited sense to me: being a red-blooded, meat eating manly man of course, but I can understand veggies. After all there are some who eat fish, some who can eat some chicken etc... etc... and for the most part they aren't dicks about it they are aware that you may not be a veggie but won't make a big thing about it. think of it this way, if you were having a dinner party and you knew you had veggies coming well you'd make a veggie menu, I've no idea of the specifics but I know salad and veggies are an option. Boom! here is your salad whilst I eat my cheese burger. This is easy and talking about being a veggie is a stimulating conversation especially if they were a fellow meat eater and decided to change. its interesting - mostly.

However much like my run in with the bible basher, I dislike vegans who seem to want to convert other people to their side of things, back to the dinner party analogy a paragraph ago. If a veggie had a dinner party and they had meat eaters over, they would offer some meat, granted it wouldn't be a full English or Sunday dinner but a degree of meat to be had. Vegan's dinner party. No meat allowed!

Is this the pinnacle of our society? that the opposable  thumb, spear, sword, fork and gun powder has propelled humans to such a height on the food chain, that people don't want to bother eating those below them? the argument is that they don't want animals to suffer and that humans aren't meant to eat animals 0. o are you high sir? why do we have canines in our arsenal of shiny teeth? if not to tear the fleas from bone. Cows have to be milked to keep them healthy, but some vegans want to propelled the safety of those animals above humans.

Given the opportunity a many number of the carnivorous creatures in the eco-system would snap up a human, we have no claws, no real thick skin, limited fur (unless your Italian  HEY-YO!!!) a straight up fight. we're screwed. However, we have a brain, and the adaptability to use that pointy stick.

 In the battle of survival of the fittest, it is not the strongest, the fastest or the biggest who wins, but it is he who is most adaptable to the situation. alternatively of course we were given a choice in this life and although Vegans choose their way I'll still have my fries with a side mountain of steak.

Suggested by Bengie and Norman